


It's not him.

by spectralspices



Category: Homestuck
Genre: I guess? This is just about John's depression, Other, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 21:14:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14173530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spectralspices/pseuds/spectralspices
Summary: Inspired by a post by Moonpaw on tumblr! You know what I'm talking about.





	It's not him.

It's not him.

It just isn't him. 

No matter how much he looks like him, acts like him, sounds and stands and  _IS_ like his father...the man that John saw was not. He was Jane's father, technically John's son. There were differences, yes-His name was Crocker, he seemed to be a private detective, he had no idea who Nanna was supposed to be...but that didn't change anything. 

It was his father, alive and well, happy and healthy, and he didn't see John as anything other than a younger version of his own father. That was still impossible to properly process, the idea of meeting your murdered father, completely unharmed, and for him to look at you with shock because he was meeting his  _own_ father again. His father-Jane's...Jane's father. Jane's father was one of the things that kept John Egbert up at night with a knot in his gut and tears in his eyes-along with his real father's death, along with...

_EVERYONE_

_EVERYONE FUCKING DIED_

_HE AND ROXY AND ROSESPRITE ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO SURVIVED AND EVEN THEN HE HAD TO FUCKING BURY ROSE_

John choked out a throaty noise, realizing he had been floating up in his half-asleep, late-night mental screaming match. While he spent what felt like every night in this state, this was the first time he'd started using his powers subconsciously-And it was the first time he'd been given a milestone of sorts to push through his isolated depression and actually talk to someone. John touched down and groped around his room for the light switch, finding it...eventually. He was wearing his God tier PJs as Normal tier PJs, because even though he experienced most of the worst moments of his life in these things, the trauma was outweighed by the comfort. Also, they seemed to never get dirty or tear, so that was nice too. What wasn't nice was the return of his crippling anxiety as he found his phone on his nightstand. It was 3 AM. Great.

What...was he actually going to  _do_? Message Roxy or Rose sprite? They both seemed happy and he'd just be making them feel as shitty as he did by reminding them. Or...would he talk to Jane, guilt her out about being happy to see her father again? Send something to Dave or Rose? They didn't need to hear his bullshit, and Dave had told him that he and Karkat were having some kinda all-night movie thing anyway, and Rose and Kanaya were off...in some mountain cabin for a few days. John turned off his phone and sat down on his bed, sighing. He was no longer in the passionate, addictive part of sadness, the sadness that set in when the wounds were fresh and the trauma was new. This was the familiar weight, the lethargy, the feeling of sinking further and further below the water because you ran out of breath. He was alone, and it wasn't worth it dragging anyone else down with him-

His phone vibrated in his hand. John's eyes shot down to the screen, seeing Jade's chum handle. She had sent him a picture of one of the dogs she raised, a big mastiff that was laying over her entire lower body like a lapdog, with the caption "I named him John because he's huge!! Look at how big this dog is!!"

John smiled softly and opened Pesterchum, sending a short but...descriptive message.

EB: hey, jade. i'm in a pretty bad place right now-would it be okay if i vented to you for a little bit? if not that's totally fine i just really need someone to talk to right now.

Her reply was immediate.

GG: what? yeah!!! are you okay <:(? (thats not a bird with a really funny hat thats a worried face)

EB: yeah, i think i'm at least going to be okay. i was mostly thinking about...jane's dad.

GG: oh man, this sounds pretty heavy...maybe I should come over and talk

GG: actually yknow what im gonna do something really quick then head right over

What followed was...nice. It was emotional, it was intense sometimes, it was hard...but it was cleansing. Jade arrived, with a puppy under her arm and a kind smile on her face. They talked until the sun rose, about the other timeline, about what happened when John found his father and Rose's mother, about seeing his father again. She nodded, checking her phone occasionally and simply being an ear to speak to, a shoulder to cry on for a little bit. And John, in turn, was that for his sister. She had lost another version of him, and had spent most of her journey completely alone. The puppy had no idea what was going on, only excited to be in a new place-at one point licking both of their faces as they cried and hugged. Eventually, Jade rubbed her eyes.

"I feel like my eyelids are heavier than this conversation. Maybe we should both get some sleep." She stretched slowly, glancing to the fast asleep pupper that lay on John's couch. "You can keep him here if you want."

John considered. Maybe...a pet would help? But no, he'd just as likely forget to do important stuff for him. "Maybe...some other time. Thank you, for...all this."

Jade nodded, ears perking up as she remembered something. "RIGHT! One sec-" John's phone buzzed with an invitation to a Pesterchum memo. As he opened it, he felt his heart twist and his eyes well up. 

Before she'd arrived, Jade had invited EVERYONE ELSE into a memo, with a simple request:

GG: johns feeling pretty bad about some really rough stuff and i think he needs some cheering up!!!!

Of course, it took a few minutes of scrolling to find that first message. Because everyone else had posted pages upon pages of support, praise, stories-Dave talked about that time when they had first met, and John had managed to mis-remember "Smuppets" as "Smorpets" and assumed it was like a Neopet thing. Rose psychoanalyzed John in a positive way, talking about his strength and dedication to making the best possible outcome for everyone. Karkat admitted that John managed to be a better leader than he'd ever been without really trying, and...to top it all off, a message from Roxy.

TG: hey listen if you EVER need to talk about anything we went thru hmu okay? its rough for me some days but i really wanna make sure you're okay if youre feeling the same thing.

John, with tears in his eyes and Jade's arms around his shoulders, sent one message back.

EB: I love you guys. and roxy? i'd...really like that.


End file.
